Monthly Archives: November 2010

I have a chip…..

…on my shoulder.  A big one.

There are a great many days when I think my life is harder than everyone else’s.  And it’s just not fair.

I envy others their free time, their dual incomes, their bigger, lovelier homes, their garages, their coupledom, their resources, their savings, their clothes, their fitness, their cars, their support systems and their social lives.

And it feels like I work really, really hard in my life to keep my life simply on an even keel.

Strangely, at the same time, I can be really content with where I am in life on occasion.  But I do need some “ease”.

I’ve realized that the people who have all of these advantages are couples.  Not every couple manages their lives well, but the ones who do have all these advantages.Couples who manage their lives well do many things to make life easier.  They split the daily work (chores).  Two incomes pay the bills.  They support each other’s goals and projects.   They boost each other emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, romantically, physically.

I, however, do everything alone.  All by myself.  Alone.

What do I know from this?  I want a partner.  A partner who is as interested in a blessed partnership.  A helpmate in life.

I have accomplished tremendous things all by myself – a business degree, owning a home, travelling.  But it’s time for me to have a partner to share the work and the joys of life.  I want more ease.  And I want more joy.

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Strength and Capability

So, winter is finally upon us.  Sadly.  I am a summer girl and I don’t love to see the cold weather and snow arrive.

This is my backyard, with an early morning dusting of snow.  It might be time to put away the patio furniture!

Yesterday was a busy day, full of all kinds of good and challenging circumstances.  I reflected on how capable and strong I am.  And I think often of the blessings of age and experience in dealing with life.

I spoke with a friend yesterday whose whole day was thrown off by the freezing rain, chaotic traffic, and the need to scrape the ice off the car before venturing out yesterday, mid-morning, to do personal chores.

On the other hand, I scraped my car at 7:00am, was at work before 8:00 in spite of the weather, managed an enormous variety of activities including some bookkeeping, Christmas party planning, a little legal work, research on a corporate acquisition, hiring a new staff member, sending another home sick, and assisting the friend with the “low flow” day.  All of this and I am 24 hours from getting my period!!

It feels good to be strong and capable.  True, my house is never as clean as I’d like, I never get quite enough exercise, and I never eat as well as I should.  But I can handle almost anything that life can throw at me with a reasonable amount of intelligence and equanimity.

Now I need to work on more balance — specifically, I need to have more fun.  I’m going to do a little more Christmas shopping, perhaps have a nap, and find something new and lovely to read.   Tomorrow, I’m going to go out for a lovely brunch and a visit to the National Gallery to celebrate a good friend’s birthday.

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Enjoying Different People

It’s November, which means it’s dark, wet, gloomy and chilly.

I have been coming home right after work and eating carbs – no surprise there.  And I don’t feel like workout out.  It might be better when the days start to get a little longer, but I need to figure out a way to beat the inevitable weight gain.  We’re closing in on Christmas and I don’t want to be a lump when it’s over.

Interesting thoughts:

I had lunch with a former interest on Monday.  No stressing, no butterflies, no chemical brain malfunctions from extreme attraction.  Just a nice lunch with a smart, interesting man.  We talked alot about business and a little about life.  It was just really nice.

I came away from that lunch with no angst, just a smile on my face.  That’s  a pretty nice place to be.

I also re-connected with my first correspondent on Lava.  Hospital-guy.  He seemed to think that I had dropped the ball, although I was sure he had.  However, we’re corresponding again.  I have another interesting possibility in the works.  Perhaps we will meet sometime soon.  Feels like I’m still working on the plan, which is good because I thought it had stalled.

That said, I’d best get this carb-loading under control if I’m going to meet a new man!!!  Definitely time for some good nutrition and some yoga — maybe with some early morning runs thrown in.  I may try the Paleo Nutrition challenge.

Another interesting observation:

I had a conversation with a close peep, who told me that she was fully aware of a “personality defect” she possessed.  No apologies, no shame, no guilt, no plans to change this defect.  In fact, it serves her well.  This characteristic means that she feeds off the hard work of other people — and does no hard work herself unless absolutely necessary.  It means that I have to be very careful in our relationship not to allow myself to be used.  I guard my energy carefully to enhance my own life, rather than give it away to her.  If I do assist, it must be reciprocal.

Until now, I did not know she was aware of this flaw.  But she is.  With no plans to change it.  Interesting.

I like knowing how to work hard, solve my own problems, and expand my intelligence.  My defect is that I need to ask for help more often.  Also a flaw.  But not a fatal one!

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Catching Up….

Well, it’s been a week since I posted and I have alot to tell!

First, I went on my date.  It was interesting…….I think.  I met Date-Man at a small wine bar.  I didn’t wear the purple sweater, but wore a burgandy satin top with black trousers and flats.  I felt pretty cute!

The conversation was great and there was lots of it!!!  Date-Man talked non-stop, including talking all about his marriage, his ex-wife (why do people do that?), and his kids.  I didn’t have to carry the conversation, but I also had to fight to get the odd word in.

Bottom line, I couldn’t get a feel for whether or not he was interested.  He ended the date, and my guess is that he will not follow up.  I wasn’t smitten either, although I think he probably could be fun.

I am losing my momentum on dating a bit.  Checking the sites, and making conversation with strangers is getting  big dull.  And blind dates are it like riding a roller coaster.

I will continue to shop around for nice single men, but I may need a break.

On another note, I read the book — Born to Run.  It will not be changing my life.  It was a great story, but it didn’t inspire me to love running.  It inspired me to respect people who love to run, but I didn’t learn enough.  However, I did go for a 3km run at the gym last night and will continue to do this regularly.

I spent the weekend with my wonderful ladies from high school.  It is a wonder and a joy to me that we can still get together and enjoy each other as much as we did 30 years ago.  A grad day photo is followed by the snapshot from the weekend.

A couple of observations:  #1 — people are who they are, and they don’t really change.  Merely, our perception of them change.  All the girls were the same people, only more so.  Our dynamics didn’t change because we are all the people.  My perception of Mary Ellen was changed because I did not look at her with the same awe-inspired fear.  She was funny and charming and self-depracating.  Totally fun.

#2 — I am still insecure about being unmarried and not having children.  Yet, I am completely comfortable in and with my life.

#3 — I am aging well!  I’m likely the youngest looking one, although I could still lose a little weight to look younger.

#4 — I had a REALLY, REALLY  good time!  I need to have more fun like this.  I work too hard and I don’t play enough.  I need to extend my world and have more fun with more people.

#5 — I was one of the HOT GIRLS of Champlain High.  I need to remember that.  I’m still all THAT and MORE.  I’m a great catch and I need to focus on how fabulous I am instead of constantly judging myself.  I am very often my own worst critic and I sent my standards way too low.

On that note, here is my intention:  I want a great guy and I deserve one because I am one of the HOT GIRLS of Champlain High!  I am bringing more money into my life so that finances are easier.  I am meeting life from a position of power.  I am healthy and fit and feeling great about myself.  Life is great!

Oh, and I bought the 30 Days of Yoga for $30.  Now I just have to start!

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Filed under books, dating, friends, fun, high school

I have a date!

Tomorrow night, I’m meeting a new man for a glass of wine.  I need to find someplace nice to go.  And I need to find something to wear.  OMG, I need to find something to wear!

I have a pretty Ralph Lauren purple sweater (cashmere!) that looks almost like this that I might wear.

Hoping it’s not too booby because it also has to take me to a wake in the afternoon before 5:30 wine.

This man’s name is Michael Licari.  He’s 49, 6′ tall (I love that!), 2 teenagers (boy and girl), his own business, writes well, and seems really, really nice.  I hope he turns out to be someone really fun to play with.

And I hope he thinks the same thing about me.  Right now, I’m doing some deep breathing (innnnnn…..and outtttttt……) because my automatic reaction is to worry about whether I’ll be judged (harshly) and found lacking.  Mostly, I’m worried about how I look and my body.  Sad but true.  What do women with killer bodies worry about when they meet a man for the first time?  Or is any women confident about her body?

Conditioning from home (both Mom and Dad) still lives in these brain cells.  What I really should be thinking about is whether or not he’s good enough for me.  And if he’s not, I will move on to the next person.  I’m old enough to put this behind me for good.

On other notes, I bought the book Born to Run.  It was a really good read, although I didn’t get out of it what I was expecting.  I had hoped to get some advice on how to love running.  It was more a travelogue into the world of elite runners.  Fascinating.  And I still need to find a way to love running.

I also bought the “30Days for $30” yoga package at Blue Bamboo yoga.  What a great deal!  Gonna get my Zen on!

Wish I were doing it on the beach….

Good night.

P.S. Did I mention that I have a date with a nice man tomorrow night!!!  Eeeeekkkk!

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Long Winter Nights

Although it was a bright windy day, tonight is the first evening of winter darkness.  Dusk by 5:15.   It’s lot harder to be productive after work when it’s chilly and dark.

So, the big question is  how do I fight the sniffles, the fatigue from a crazy day, and the automatic need to cocoon during this time of year?  More sleep?  More vitamins?  Mind over matter?

I also need to find a way to resist the urge to veer off the road home to the grocery store where cupcakes and salty snacks live!!

And so, we’re now into pre-winter and I am dealing with a huge urge to eat sugar.  This was actually a two-bite cupcake…but there were many in the package!

Blue Bamboo Yoga is offering a 30 Day package for $30.  That might be a good way to start.  I may need to head straight to yoga on my way home rather than risk coming into my warm cozy house and never leaving again.

Thoughts for another day because I’m going to get off the couch, take a little more vitamin C, and head to bed.  I’m thinking healthy thoughts!

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Sunday, Sunday……

It’s a lovely Sunday morning in Ottawa.  A sunshine-y November morning.  And the time changed last night, so I get an extra hour today.  Yipee!!

Had a good breakfast (egg, whites, spinach, tomato, toast with raspberry jam – YUM!).

Accompanied by a steaming cup of coffee….

The plan for today is:  groceries, a wee bit of housework (very wee), some errands and a long walk with a great friend.  All good.  Maybe even  little yoga.

I regularly remain in “productive” mode on weekends — I often can’t seem to downshift out of the craziness of the work week into a lower recreational gear on the weekends.  Don’t judge, people!  I’m trying!!

It’s been a new goal for this year — enjoy my weekends and play time more.  A good goal, definitely.

Also on the subject of having fun, I am scheduled to meet 2 men for coffee/wine in the coming week!  One is an acquaintance through work from a decade ago, the other is a new acquaintance though Lavalife.  Such is the power of intention.  I have set my intention to meet new men and expand my social/romantic life.  And it seems the universe is listening to me.

Again, on the subject of having fun, I bought a book on running.  I really want to enjoy running more.  It is my intention to be a better runner which means I will need to enjoy it more!

Born to Run is going to change my running life, I think.  I BELIEVE!  I BELIEVE!  (It is Sunday morning, after all)  🙂

On to a shower and the day….

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